Lonely? Waiting For Love?

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Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. Mother Teresa

Loneliness is painful.

  • You want love, affection, and companionship; not loneliness.
  • You want to live with someone; not alone.
  • You want someone available for conversation, outings, etc.; not, “When can we get together?”

So what do you do while you’re waiting for that special person?

You remember, “Living alone doesn’t = loneliness?” It’s true. You can live alone and not be lonely. It just takes work.

True, living alone isn’t as convenient as saying to a husband or a wife, “Let’s go get some pizza.” You have to make calls, get ready, and get out of the house. It does take energy, persistence, and determination. But, living alone doesn’t = loneliness.

You may ask yourself, “Is it worth the effort?” All that calling and planning and then your friend opts out at the last-minute and you find yourself thinking unkind thoughts. You may even use a few words of a religious nature. Of course it’s irritating when people don’t follow through. But, my training and experience says it’s worth the effort to support healthy relationships.

You really need to get out of the house.

  • You need the positive energy that good people bring with them.
  • You need people to help you celebrate and mourn life’s events.
  • You need to hug and be hugged.

You’re free, of course, to retreat to the recliner, chips, and TV. It’s convenient and comfortable. Who doesn’t enjoy a good movie or a good book – especially if it’s a dark, rainy, miserable day? You really don’t have to do anything with friends. You can sit at home with your pets.

But, as I stated in the previous article, you suffer when you don’t accept life as it is for us humans. The truth is that you’re a biochemical electrical creature who’ s energized by good people. You actually really need good people in your life.

You may wish you were self-sufficient but actually life is too beautiful and too terrifying for that. Both wonderful and horrible things happen on planet earth. You need to travel with a group to celebrate good times and to find solace when difficult times arrive.

It all comes down to, “What are you willing to do?” What are you willing to do to keep yourself positive and healthy?

My professional, and personal, experience leads me to recommend your being proactive in at least three major ways:

  • Be ready to date so that you’re open to a new compatible person. For example –

Be social; stay used to being with people.
Don’t give in to anxiety, depression, and fatigue.
Get help if you need it so that you’re a positive person.

  • Develop and support loving supportive relationships as a single person so that you’re being loved as you are. You’ll do better if you’re not starved emotionally.
  • Robotically get yourself to events where it’s possible to meet new people around your age. Go whether you feel like it or not. Act like a robot who’s programed to go out.

You may not feel like doing any of these things and of course you don’t have to. However, isolating leads to depression, then to anxiety, and then to even more depression and anxiety as you realize how alone you really are. Your friends drift away. Family doesn’t find you very inviting. Few people are attracted to depressed and anxious people; they’re emotionally draining. It eventually comes down to you and your pets and even your dog may not seem as excited to see you. But, your life doesn’t have to come down to this.

Here are a few things that elevate mood and energy. –

  • Use music, religious faith, beauty, and meaningful work to energize you.
  • Buy an affectionate pet. Petting, touching, is good for you.
  • Use meditation to increase your ability to connect with yourself, others, nature, and God.

Passively waiting is rarely a good strategy. Give yourself a chance. Be ready so that if the right person shows up you’re emotionally there. Why should you use lose a good opportunity and let someone else enjoy the relationship?

You’re not alone! Family and friends can still give strength and courage. Groups give helpful ideas and encouragement. Physicians, professional psychotherapists, and counselors work to decrease depression and anxiety and help people stay focused on their goals. Support is available. Be courageous and get the help you need.

Here are my main points –

  • A single person need not live a lonely life.
  • It always takes an effort to stay connected with people.
  • It’s worth the effort.

If you’re feeling lonely ask yourself –

  1. What’s my next step so that I’m loving and enjoying people?
  2. How can I get myself to do what I know I need to do?
  3. What help do I need?

I wish you the very best.

Feel free to comment on the article in the space below. You can email me at cmosemann@cox.net if you have any questions.

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We’re Already a Couple. You Really Want to Get Married?

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A wise person decides slowly but abides by these decisions. Arthur Ashe

Are you willing to go from “I” to “we?” I know, it’s a big decision. While most people say they would prefer marriage, the number of singles continues to rise. Being a couple and getting married probably seems risky if you’re single.

This article is about how to decrease your risk and increase your odds of having a loving, stable, marriage, and home. Marriage research is looking at what the risk factors are and have found these risk factors –

1. Many sexual partners.
2. Living with a partner before marriage.
3. Few guests at a marriage.

You might think that sexual experiences and living with someone prepare us for marriage. But, finding someone you can commit to, committing to them in marriage, and doing it in a ceremony before a family and friends seems to build a good foundation for a home.

Now, you may find this discouraging and/or unbelievable. Take time to check the research on this site and on the rest of the internet. Let me know if I’m not looking at things correctly. I’ll be glad to read what you send me.

I advise you, and anyone you partner with, to think through how past decisions may have affected your relationships. Think about it. How has your past changed you and how has your partner’s past changed him/her? The two of you can learn from all of your experiences.

As you review the past and think about the future, do you sense that you’re ready to move from a focus on “me” to a focus on “we.” Even though you feel in love, it’s still important to consciously decide whether you’re willing to allow yourself to be physically and emotionally coupled to another person. Are you willing to share your life with another person when it includes your energy, your time, your money, and your sexual experiences?

Both of you can do what you like when you’re single. Being coupled means your spouse has a legitimate claim on your body, energy, time, and money. Your partner is naturally interested in where you want to live, the hours you work, your rules for child-rearing, and how you spend and save your money.

Keep in mind that walking hand-in-hand with your partner does not mean losing your identity. The two of you can allow a healthy separation that respects your own values, personal interests, and abilities. You can pursue your own interests and your own friends. The way you pursue them does need to be supportive of your relationship with your partner.

The relationships that seem do well are those in which both partners have freely decided that they want to be with their partner. They’ve moved beyond consumer relationships and leaving the door open for a trade later on. They’ve stopped looking for someone better, made a commitment to their partner, and married. They’ve shut the door on other sexual relationships.

Are you ready to commit to a partner and live as a couple? Are you willing to go from “I” to “we”? Are you willing to make the necessary tradeoffs? Commitment provides a strong foundation on which to build a home. Are you willing to make one to your partner and in front of others? Is your partner ready to make this commitment?

Keeping in mind the three risk factors, take the time to learn how to be a great partner, find a great partner, and form a relationship that can evolve into a commitment and a marriage. Learn what you need to learn so that you can have the results you desire.

The next article builds on this one. We’ll begin with commitment and move on to what a delightful home consists of. Stick with me on this one; you’ll be glad you did.

Share the article with your family and friends. Look at the articles and websites on the blog. Establishing a great relationship and marriage and a secure, warm home are important.

Single Again?

Unless you love someone nothing else makes sense.  Anonymous

Listen, if you’re single again and discouraged about finding a partner, there’s hope.  Here’s a checklist for those who want a life-long relationship.  It’s worth working for since there is little that influences the course of your life more than the choice of a partner.  So, if you’re single and want more than “let’s live together and see what happens”, this checklist is for you –

1. Are you ready to be a good partner?  Review my earlier post, “What Do You Mean? I Think That I’m A Great Partner.”  Ensure that you’ll be great partner.

2. Are you able to financially support yourself, a partner, and children should the need arise. You need to know that you’ll be okay financially.

3. Are you willing to give another person influence on how your energy, time, and money and are spent?  You’ll want influence and so will your partner.  You can’t be happily coupled and live a single lifestyle.

4. Are you clear on your sexual identity?  Deception is unethical and unkind.  You can’t be what you’re not.

5. Are you willing to say what you want sexually?  Be authentic.

6. Are you willing to hear what your partner needs and wants sexually?

7. Are you clear on what you want in a partner given your personality and goals?  Who would be a good fit for you?  How much would the two of you need to compromise to have a good life together?

8. Is your potential partner ready for a loving partnership? Is he/she –

  • Able to love and respect people?
  • Enjoying his/her personal life and work?
  • Willing to move from a single lifestyle to a coupled one?
  • Willing to work with a consultant who can help with issues like religion, a place to live, money, and sex?
  • Committed to making decisions based on a solid moral foundation?  You can build nothing with a deceiver and/or a thief.

9. Are you willing to interact with your potential partner’s family?  Is he/she willing to interact with yours? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays and anniversaries will come around and you’ll need to deal with them.

10. Are you willing to deal realistically with –

  • Alcohol and drug abuse/addiction?
  • Continuous arguing with no resolution in sight?
  • An unwillingness to express an opinion?
  • An insistence on having one’s way?
  • Infidelity?
  • Physical and emotional abuse?
  • Deception?
  • An unwillingness to forgive?

The basic concept is –

  • Be ready for a relationship.
  • Find a partner who’s ready for a relationship.
  • Find a partner who’s headed in the same direction you are.
  • Find a qualified advisor and use him/her.
  • Realize that commitment is essential for emotional and economic security.

Get the information you need so that you’re successful. Clergy and therapists can answer specific questions and help you evaluate your relationship.  You may find that couples who have good relationships are good mentors. Classes, books, and blog sites, like this one, can help.

 The rewards are great for those who truly get ready for a relationship and for those who wisely choose a partner.  A healthy relationship is truly life-giving.